Loving Yourself First: Surviving and Thriving after Experiencing Toxic Systems
I never imagined I’d write a book, let alone one called Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom. But life guides us, sometimes gently, sometimes with a force that’s impossible to ignore. My story is about breaking free from a past riddled with chaos, mental illness, and addiction and finding a way to truly love myself.
A Life of Accomplishments and Hidden Pain
As a child, I was acutely aware that something was wrong. By the time I was 18 months old, I knew I was in an unsafe environment. I was highly intuitive, able to sense emotions and read a room — skills that served me well but also made me painfully aware of my circumstances. I sought comfort wherever I could find it, often in unhealthy ways. Food, alcohol, and, later, overachievement became my go-to methods for soothing the wounds that festered inside me.
My career took off in New York City and Los Angeles, where I became known for connecting celebrities with brands. I worked with some of the biggest names in Hollywood and felt on top of the world professionally. But underneath, I was struggling. Addiction, clinical depression, and a deep sense of unworthiness plagued me. I was good at putting on a brave face, deflecting conversations about myself, and keeping my trauma neatly compartmentalized. But eventually, it all started to unravel.
The turning point came when I found myself in a marriage that mirrored the toxicity I had grown up with. I thought I had met my dream partner but soon realized I was repeating the same patterns. I was drained, exhausted, and felt completely powerless. It wasn’t until I started exploring somatic healing — focusing on the body rather than just talking through my issues — that I began to truly heal. I had to confront the deep-seated belief that I needed a man to survive, a belief that was rooted in my childhood and reinforced by years of unhealthy relationships.
The Awakening: Choosing to Heal
The process was painful. I had to go deep into my past, uncovering layers of trauma that had been trapped in my body for years. I learned to sit with my emotions, to explore them without judgment, and to release them. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary.
One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned is the importance of loving yourself first.
For years, I sought validation and worth from external sources — my career, relationships, and achievements. But none of that filled the void inside me. It wasn’t until I began to truly love and honor myself that I started to feel whole.
If I could give my younger self some advice, it would be this: love your own heart first. Everything else flows from there. It’s not about being perfect or having it all together. It’s about being kind to yourself, listening to your intuition, and recognizing your worth, no matter what.
A Life Transformed: From Chaos to Calm
Today, I live in rural Montana, far from the hustle and bustle of the big cities. It’s a place that has allowed me to slow down, to connect with nature, and to find peace within myself.
My life is no longer about proving my worth or chasing the next big thing. It’s about being present, nurturing myself, and living in gratitude for life’s simple, beautiful moments.
Healing from childhood trauma and toxic family dynamics isn’t easy, but it’s possible. It starts with acknowledging the pain, seeking help, and, most importantly, learning to love yourself deeply and unconditionally. The journey is worth it, and so are you.
Practical Tips for Self-Love and Healing
My journey is not unique, and it offers valuable lessons for anyone struggling with self-love and healing from childhood trauma. Here are some practical tips inspired by my experience:
Listen to Your Intuition: Your inner voice is a powerful guide. Pay attention to the subtle nudges and feelings that arise within you. Often, they are pointing you toward the path of healing.
Practice Self-Compassion: One simple yet transformative practice is placing your hand on your heart and saying, “I love you.” It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it can become a pathway to inner peace over time.
Embrace Somatic Healing: Consider exploring somatic therapies that focus on releasing trauma stored in the body. Techniques like EFT tapping, yoga, and mindfulness meditation can help you connect with your emotions and release them in a healthy way.
Create a Gratitude Practice: Cultivate a habit of acknowledging the beauty and blessings in your life. This can help shift your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right, promoting a sense of contentment and joy.
Set Boundaries: Learning to say no and establishing boundaries is crucial, especially if you come from a toxic family background. Protecting your energy and well-being should be a priority.
Seek Support: Healing is not a journey you have to take alone. Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, surround yourself with people who can offer guidance and encouragement.